Friday, February 29, 2008

Spam o'the day

Because I care, I offer an assortment of the best spam subject lines of the day:

Change from dagger to BROADSWORD!
Capitalizing things make them seem more manly.

Why do you fall so weak and slow?
Because falling strong and fast hurts too much?

Yank off her skirt!
Get a high heel in your nether regions! This is why you should never take advice from your spam box.

15 Ways to act Longer in bed!
10 ways to act in bed longer
Note that they only promise you will act longer. Or that you will act in bed. Buyer beware. What if you're a bad actor? Perhaps they are offering acting lessons?

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

How to get ahead

I've decided I need to work on being more clueless and ignorant so someone will let me be in charge of something.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

We'd better come up with some edgy punctuation

Me: Why would they hyphenate "spice up?"
Friend: Because they wanted to put quotes around it but it didn't feel right.

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Monday, February 25, 2008

Monday morning mantra

rocking back and forth
"Homocide's against the law. Homocide's against the law."

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hirsute creature spotted in bulkhead row

This image was captured by a passenger on an American Airlines flight flying from the East Coast. Scientists are unable to identify the creature, but eyewitnesses describe it as unusually pale in complexion with what appears to be makeup applied with a trowel. Its hair was estimated at roughly four times the width of its head, and extended in equal directions up and back from the cranium. Eyewitnesses guess that perhaps the creature hailed somewhere from the West Coast, perhaps the Los Angeles area. One passenger claimed to have seen three small children emerge from its hair and proceed to the rear of the airplane. The same passenger also surmised that the creature likely had an assortment of luncheon items hidden in the coiffure. Neither claim can be evaluated for veracity.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Somebody find me a Payless

So, I'm in an unnamed East Coast city, staying in a part of the city that one brochure referred to as "The Rodeo Drive of the East." Needless to say, it's a bit hard for this chainsaw-hefting, pickup-driving Alaska diva to blend in. And I have to say, the whole shopping this is more than a little disturbing.

Pretentious doesn't even begin to touch the two nearby malls. Most of the stores are what I would call understocked. That means they are very brightly lit, staffed by snooty-looking women and adorned with wall-sized images of emaciated women sucking in their cheeks so they look even more skeletal than they are. And that's about it. If you look really, really close, you'll spot the merchandise hidden among the mirrored shelves and techno mannequins. By merchandise, I mean 12 purses, four pairs of shoes and 10 shirts. Oh, and did I mention that the price tag on those four pairs of shoes would feed a family in Guatemala for three years, at least?

I want to shop. I am a diva, after all. But, damn, this place is like some sort of museum of modern pretention. I need to get on a subway, stat.

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He was a little too ostentatious to be a spy

This just in from one of my workshops today:

The Central Intelligence Agency, fondly known as the CIA, apparently has a person who serves a very vital role to the safety and security of our American way of life. Folks, I feel so much better knowing that the CIA's entertainment liaison is on the job.

Yep. You read that correctly. The spooks are advising the kooks. Woo Hoo!

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Ummm, is this wise?

I'm sitting in the Seattle airport putting the finishing touches on my homework and getting ready to send it to my professor. The thing is, half the assignment involves an article on suicide bombers. And it does give me a bit of pause that I am Googling "suicide bombers" in an airport. Wonder if the TSA is going to come get me. Hope not.

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Saturday, February 09, 2008

Waiting for the other shoe...

In both my personal and professional life, as of late, I have come across situations where I begin to glimpse at least a temporary light at the end of the tunnel. When I first realize it is there, I am, of course, happy and excited at the prospect of something positive in the near future. Shortly thereafter, the nerves set in, and I find myself more-than-slightly stressed at yet another prospect: that somehow, something will come along and muck up the entire thing, that all of the sudden, that light will disappear.

I have heard others voice similar concerns. But some folks just seem to be able to look optimistically into the future and not become distracted by the "what-ifs." And at times, I really wish I were more like them. Instead, I am afflicted with a terrible case of cynicism and an outlook that is akin to "I'll believe it when I see it."

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