Never thought I'd see the day, but Reuters just moved an alert "Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska Reportedly Indicted."
Wow.
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Nobody loves me like me
Conversation at the bar:
Man: It's getting late, I think I'll head home and not get laid.
Man's friend: I wish you luck with that.
Man: I think I can pull it off.
Man's friend: Don't pull it off!
Just to ease your mind, I have been assured that it is still, indeed, attached.
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Man: It's getting late, I think I'll head home and not get laid.
Man's friend: I wish you luck with that.
Man: I think I can pull it off.
Man's friend: Don't pull it off!
Just to ease your mind, I have been assured that it is still, indeed, attached.
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Sunday, July 27, 2008
What IS that?
OK, I'll offer my eternal gratitude to the person who can tell me what the hell that little doohickey is on the upper right hand section of Ted Stevens' campaign logo. Is it a flag? Is it a bird? Is it a globe? Maybe it's just a bastardization of the Banner Health logo.
I don't know what the heck it is, but should go on some wall of shame somewhere for failed graphic design. Unless, perhaps, they were going for the "WTF?" effect: "WTF is that? They must be so brilliant that my simple mind cannot wrap itself around the glory that is Ted. Maybe I should vote for him. Oh yes, I should."
Errr... Yeah, that must be it.
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I don't know what the heck it is, but should go on some wall of shame somewhere for failed graphic design. Unless, perhaps, they were going for the "WTF?" effect: "WTF is that? They must be so brilliant that my simple mind cannot wrap itself around the glory that is Ted. Maybe I should vote for him. Oh yes, I should."
Errr... Yeah, that must be it.
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A religious experience in the cheese aisle
A friend of mine, who really needs to blog, had a rather profound epiphany in the cheese aisle of the local grocery store the other day.
Now, apparently, she was innocently doing her shopping and passed safely by this guy, who was wearing a helmet and passing out bible fliers in a rather vigorous way. She watched this guy stop someone else and hand them one of those great leaflets, you know, the kind with dancing devils or some equally devilish sort rubbing his hands in glee as he leads someone down the path to eternal damnation. The man asked passers-by, in a very loud voice, whether they had accepted Je-sus as their personal savior.
My friend was about to roll her eyes, when that little voice inside her, you know the one we all have that often sounds like our mothers, said, "Come on, give the man a break. He probably truly believes he is ministering to the masses, doing the right thing, walking in the path of Jesus."
Then, like a beam of light from heaven, it struck her. That annoying guy probably was following in the path of Jesus. And if that is true, then ... Oh my God, Jesus was annoying. Jesus was one of those guys handing out Bible tracts in front of the grocery store. He was the guy who gives trick-or-treaters little pamphlets about the evils of Halloween, along with their candy. People probably rolled their eyes at him all the time. They probably pretended they weren't home when he knocked on their doors and went out of their way to avoid him in the open-air market. And you know, that's actually a pretty heartening thought, whether you believe the whole son-of-god thing or not. If I were to going to believe in a deity, I'd certainly like him or her to be just like the rest of us, which includes being annoying as hell sometimes.
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Now, apparently, she was innocently doing her shopping and passed safely by this guy, who was wearing a helmet and passing out bible fliers in a rather vigorous way. She watched this guy stop someone else and hand them one of those great leaflets, you know, the kind with dancing devils or some equally devilish sort rubbing his hands in glee as he leads someone down the path to eternal damnation. The man asked passers-by, in a very loud voice, whether they had accepted Je-sus as their personal savior.
My friend was about to roll her eyes, when that little voice inside her, you know the one we all have that often sounds like our mothers, said, "Come on, give the man a break. He probably truly believes he is ministering to the masses, doing the right thing, walking in the path of Jesus."
Then, like a beam of light from heaven, it struck her. That annoying guy probably was following in the path of Jesus. And if that is true, then ... Oh my God, Jesus was annoying. Jesus was one of those guys handing out Bible tracts in front of the grocery store. He was the guy who gives trick-or-treaters little pamphlets about the evils of Halloween, along with their candy. People probably rolled their eyes at him all the time. They probably pretended they weren't home when he knocked on their doors and went out of their way to avoid him in the open-air market. And you know, that's actually a pretty heartening thought, whether you believe the whole son-of-god thing or not. If I were to going to believe in a deity, I'd certainly like him or her to be just like the rest of us, which includes being annoying as hell sometimes.
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Friday, July 11, 2008
How to get sent to a class
Acronyms have gotten out of control. I offer this from a professional development flier about how to cultivate good listening skills:
"CARESS to Listen Effectively"
In this case, "CARESS" stands for concentrate, acknowledge, research, exercise emotional control, sense the nonverbal message and structure.
But really, if you start caressing your officemates and telling them that you are just trying to listen to them more effectively, you are more likely to get sent to those classes where they try to make it very clear that you are NOT supposed to caress, grope, grab, stroke or otherwise invade the intimate space of your colleagues. I wonder how the HR folks would take it if you tried the "but this pamphlet TOLD me to caress people" tactic.
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"CARESS to Listen Effectively"
In this case, "CARESS" stands for concentrate, acknowledge, research, exercise emotional control, sense the nonverbal message and structure.
But really, if you start caressing your officemates and telling them that you are just trying to listen to them more effectively, you are more likely to get sent to those classes where they try to make it very clear that you are NOT supposed to caress, grope, grab, stroke or otherwise invade the intimate space of your colleagues. I wonder how the HR folks would take it if you tried the "but this pamphlet TOLD me to caress people" tactic.
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Thursday, June 26, 2008
Directionless signage
It's really important, when you are having events, to make sure that you have signs telling people where to go. Doing so helps eliminate confusion and makes the event a more enjoyable and meaningful experience for all involved.
But ...
It's waaay more fun to put up signs that cause those puzzled expressions while people ponder that universal question: Where am I? A sure way to ensure your event has lots of this merriment is to post conflicting signs on every building. In doing so, you are guaranteed hours and hours of by-yourself enjoyment as you stand in a corner and observe the bafflement.
Ah, good times.
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But ...
It's waaay more fun to put up signs that cause those puzzled expressions while people ponder that universal question: Where am I? A sure way to ensure your event has lots of this merriment is to post conflicting signs on every building. In doing so, you are guaranteed hours and hours of by-yourself enjoyment as you stand in a corner and observe the bafflement.
Ah, good times.
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Monday, June 16, 2008
First random caps, now this
I'm pretty sure the apocalypse is upon us, folks. Apparently a mutation among those in the population who favor the serial comma has caused a rapidly spreading epidemic of comma usage. These are dark days, indeed.
Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere
From The Onion
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Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere
From The Onion
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Sunday, June 15, 2008
Makin' whoopie
I like to bake, but sometimes even I get carried away. My friend and the basketball team he coaches were heading down the highway this weekend for the state Special Olympics summer games and I decided that a road trip isn't complete without provisions. In this case, "provisions" meant whoopie pies, a heavenly concoction of cakey, frosted goodness. So, 24 cups of flour, several pounds of butter and two nights of baking until midnight later, we had the following:
That's right, friends, two full fridge shelves of whoopie heaven. Alas, I was only able to stuff about two or three dozen, give or take a few, into the cooler I sent on the bus (whoopie pies like to be cold) so I was left to distribute the rest to the office and the neighborhood kids. Meanwhile, the local basketball team must've had a seriously nauseated coach, as apparently he took it upon himself to consume six of the things in a single day. The man deserves a medal for that, alone.
For those of you who want to try making these, here are the links for them:
Chocolate whoopie pies
Lemon whoopie pies
Pumpkin whoopie pies
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That's right, friends, two full fridge shelves of whoopie heaven. Alas, I was only able to stuff about two or three dozen, give or take a few, into the cooler I sent on the bus (whoopie pies like to be cold) so I was left to distribute the rest to the office and the neighborhood kids. Meanwhile, the local basketball team must've had a seriously nauseated coach, as apparently he took it upon himself to consume six of the things in a single day. The man deserves a medal for that, alone.
For those of you who want to try making these, here are the links for them:
Chocolate whoopie pies
Lemon whoopie pies
Pumpkin whoopie pies
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Monday, June 09, 2008
Sauce ain’t all that
A while back, I was visiting my niece and nephew and they had a bit of an argument that is a perfect analogy to so many things in life. They were making lunch for themselves, leftover spaghetti. My sister and I were sitting outside and my nephew came out crying, “Sister took all the noodles and is only giving me sauce.”
Of course, my sister called her daughter outside to see what was going on. My niece, a very expressive and intelligent child, crossed her arms, sighed and rolled her eyes and said, “I am really hungry. I want all the noodles. I don’t see what he is complaining about. I gave him sauce. Why can’t he just be happy that he gets something?”
In children, such behavior is age-appropriate. Problem is, a lot of adults seem to be that way too.
I am blessed or cursed with the tendency to speak my mind. When something sucks, I’m usually pretty vocal about pointing it out, a la “umm, there are no noodles in this spaghetti.” This tendency seems to earn me, in certain circumstances, the label of negativity. I find this irritating, given I am often pointing out something as obvious as “gravity exists on Earth.” Folks, eating sauce alone won’t kill you. But that doesn’t make it wonderful. It doesn’t make it satisfying. It just sucks.
And in case you were wondering, my nephew got some noodles, in the end.
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Of course, my sister called her daughter outside to see what was going on. My niece, a very expressive and intelligent child, crossed her arms, sighed and rolled her eyes and said, “I am really hungry. I want all the noodles. I don’t see what he is complaining about. I gave him sauce. Why can’t he just be happy that he gets something?”
In children, such behavior is age-appropriate. Problem is, a lot of adults seem to be that way too.
I am blessed or cursed with the tendency to speak my mind. When something sucks, I’m usually pretty vocal about pointing it out, a la “umm, there are no noodles in this spaghetti.” This tendency seems to earn me, in certain circumstances, the label of negativity. I find this irritating, given I am often pointing out something as obvious as “gravity exists on Earth.” Folks, eating sauce alone won’t kill you. But that doesn’t make it wonderful. It doesn’t make it satisfying. It just sucks.
And in case you were wondering, my nephew got some noodles, in the end.
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Tuesday, June 03, 2008
You could call it a holiday
Apparently, my employer's timesheet code for a personal holiday is "420." Could this possibly be a coincidence?
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Monday, April 28, 2008
Economic angst
"If the Fed cuts the interest rate again, I'll be glad I have that 21 pounds of hamburger."
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Monday, April 07, 2008
Who needs spam when you have medical pamphlets?
What can I say? We have T&A and a title that sounds like amateur porn. We have a vaguely blow-up-doll-esque mouth opening wide for the "rocket." I don't even have to try here. The only thing missing is a scantily clad pilot with a spandex uniform that's cut just a little too low to be practical.
Folks, this is the reason why you want your copy editors to have their minds in the gutter. People like me walk into places and see pamphlets like this and are forced to take pictures of them and post them on blogs.
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Collective IQ of 80
Hmmm. Let me see. This was in my inbox at work. Do you think I should click on the attachment? Hmmm. I just don't know what to do.
"Dear user,
We have received reports that your email account has been used to send a huge amount of spam messages during this week.
Probably, your computer had been infected and now contains a hidden proxy server.
We recommend you to follow our instruction in order to keep your computer safe.
Sincerely yours,
The egroups.com team.
document.scr"
Who writes these things? And who is dense enough to actually open something written this poorly?
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"Dear user,
We have received reports that your email account has been used to send a huge amount of spam messages during this week.
Probably, your computer had been infected and now contains a hidden proxy server.
We recommend you to follow our instruction in order to keep your computer safe.
Sincerely yours,
The egroups.com team.
document.scr"
Who writes these things? And who is dense enough to actually open something written this poorly?
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Post-travel woes
Overheard:
"I've got to go to the grocery store. I'm out of Alaska Airlines pretzels."
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"I've got to go to the grocery store. I'm out of Alaska Airlines pretzels."
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Monday, March 10, 2008
Facebook wisdom
Borrowing from a friend here, because I have to acknowledge a kindred spirit who comes up with an explanation that pegs me so succinctly.
"(Your name here) will overthink things, ruin them and overthink that too."
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"(Your name here) will overthink things, ruin them and overthink that too."
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Friday, February 29, 2008
Spam o'the day
Because I care, I offer an assortment of the best spam subject lines of the day:
Change from dagger to BROADSWORD!
Capitalizing things make them seem more manly.
Why do you fall so weak and slow?
Because falling strong and fast hurts too much?
Yank off her skirt!
Get a high heel in your nether regions! This is why you should never take advice from your spam box.
15 Ways to act Longer in bed!
10 ways to act in bed longer
Note that they only promise you will act longer. Or that you will act in bed. Buyer beware. What if you're a bad actor? Perhaps they are offering acting lessons?
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Change from dagger to BROADSWORD!
Capitalizing things make them seem more manly.
Why do you fall so weak and slow?
Because falling strong and fast hurts too much?
Yank off her skirt!
Get a high heel in your nether regions! This is why you should never take advice from your spam box.
15 Ways to act Longer in bed!
10 ways to act in bed longer
Note that they only promise you will act longer. Or that you will act in bed. Buyer beware. What if you're a bad actor? Perhaps they are offering acting lessons?
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Thursday, February 28, 2008
How to get ahead
I've decided I need to work on being more clueless and ignorant so someone will let me be in charge of something.
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008
We'd better come up with some edgy punctuation
Me: Why would they hyphenate "spice up?"
Friend: Because they wanted to put quotes around it but it didn't feel right.
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Friend: Because they wanted to put quotes around it but it didn't feel right.
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Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Hirsute creature spotted in bulkhead row
This image was captured by a passenger on an American Airlines flight flying from the East Coast. Scientists are unable to identify the creature, but eyewitnesses describe it as unusually pale in complexion with what appears to be makeup applied with a trowel. Its hair was estimated at roughly four times the width of its head, and extended in equal directions up and back from the cranium. Eyewitnesses guess that perhaps the creature hailed somewhere from the West Coast, perhaps the Los Angeles area. One passenger claimed to have seen three small children emerge from its hair and proceed to the rear of the airplane. The same passenger also surmised that the creature likely had an assortment of luncheon items hidden in the coiffure. Neither claim can be evaluated for veracity.
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