I think I have finally settled on the surest way to create conflict in all but the most longstanding interpersonal relationships: spend time talking on online chat applications.
I would suspect that the rise in popularity of chat--for everything from work conversations to meeting that special someone to catching up with the grandkids--has been accompanied by a rise in interpersonal conflict and misunderstandings.
And why not? Online chat combines the worst of two primary human communication vehicles. It offers the immediacy, and therefore lack of forethought, of face-to-face conversation. It offers the lack of facial expression, intonation and body language of the written word. Shake those shortcomings with a tendency to misspell things and forgo punctuation and you have a nasty swill.
I say all these things from the perspective of someone who is a Gmail and Facebook chat addict. My best friend lives in another town. She and I talk nearly every day on chat. And we seldom have misunderstandings. That said, we both think a lot alike and know each other very well. I don't need to see her face or hear her voice to understand what she means. And it's OK if she says exactly what she is thinking. That's what you are supposed to do with close friends.
But put the inadequacies of the vehicle to test with someone you don't know well and it's a bloody minefield. I've experienced mild to severe examples of this in the last few months and am starting to get irritated as all get out, both at myself and others.
If human relationships, both personal and professional, are going to survive this means of communication, we all will need to tweak our mindset a little. We all need to work harder at giving others the benefit of the doubt. We need to stop the rapid-fire back and forth typing and clarify rather than making assumptions. We need to be mindful of the possibility that the person we are chatting with may not "read" our conversation in the same way we intended it to be delivered. Holding a chat conversation to the same standard as either the spoken interchange or e-mail exchange is unfair to all involved and serves only to create frustration.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
TGIF?
Sorry, just not feelin' it. Am I the only person in the world who finds Fridays completely overwhelming?
Got up late, 'cause by the end of the week, the lack of sleep is catching up with me. No time to make coffee. Forgot to play tooth fairy (bad mother, bad mother). And after a week of everyone and their brother wanting something from me for a good 16 hours a day, I feel both picked over and guilty for not being able to get to half of the stuff I was supposed to. The avalanche of work that builds all week long, I suspect, will let loose and bury me right about 4 p.m., resulting in a 12-hour day. Is it fair to throw up your hands and just say, "enough, already, I give."
Fridays make me want to find a cabin in the woods, far away from everyone, and just hide there for a while.
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Got up late, 'cause by the end of the week, the lack of sleep is catching up with me. No time to make coffee. Forgot to play tooth fairy (bad mother, bad mother). And after a week of everyone and their brother wanting something from me for a good 16 hours a day, I feel both picked over and guilty for not being able to get to half of the stuff I was supposed to. The avalanche of work that builds all week long, I suspect, will let loose and bury me right about 4 p.m., resulting in a 12-hour day. Is it fair to throw up your hands and just say, "enough, already, I give."
Fridays make me want to find a cabin in the woods, far away from everyone, and just hide there for a while.
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Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A little disturbed here
Child: I want to see Hannah Montana in real life.
Mother: (eye roll) Why?
Child: Because I've been dreaming about her.
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Mother: (eye roll) Why?
Child: Because I've been dreaming about her.
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Reduced for quick sale - part deux
Oh my, my, my. A quick perusal of a VERY small range of choices on a unnamed online "find your true love here" sort of site garnered some ... interesting ... prospects:
• One soft-hearted gent made sure to highlight his emotional strength, noting that he is "honist and sinsere." Great, he can't even spell the characteristics.
• “sugar daddy for you” plus undersized straw cowboy hat and cheap sunglasses ... can buttless chaps be far behind?
• "If you like tall dark and handsome, then your probably not looking in the right place." and “Single Man, nothing special” Points for honesty and a little self-deprecation. Points off for improper use of "your."
• “if you'd like to take a chance” So basically, what you are saying is that it's pretty damn risky to even send a little icebreaker note?
• Any use of the words "teddy" or "bear" together or separately. Not a plushie. Not looking to become one. I'm just sayin'.
• Blurred photo plus no capitalization in the title plus all caps in the body text equals ... RUUUUUUNNNNN!
• Note: You really should wear clothing when you shoot your profile picture. Trust me on this.
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• One soft-hearted gent made sure to highlight his emotional strength, noting that he is "honist and sinsere." Great, he can't even spell the characteristics.
• “sugar daddy for you” plus undersized straw cowboy hat and cheap sunglasses ... can buttless chaps be far behind?
• "If you like tall dark and handsome, then your probably not looking in the right place." and “Single Man, nothing special” Points for honesty and a little self-deprecation. Points off for improper use of "your."
• “if you'd like to take a chance” So basically, what you are saying is that it's pretty damn risky to even send a little icebreaker note?
• Any use of the words "teddy" or "bear" together or separately. Not a plushie. Not looking to become one. I'm just sayin'.
• Blurred photo plus no capitalization in the title plus all caps in the body text equals ... RUUUUUUNNNNN!
• Note: You really should wear clothing when you shoot your profile picture. Trust me on this.
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Monday, February 09, 2009
It's not about getting along
Something is out of kilter in the universe, I have decided, as many people around me seem to be awash in misery lately. One friend--one I suspect is growing weary of all the sadness--expressed the sentiment that he wished everyone could get along.
It's a worthy sentiment, to be sure. That said, I think that simply getting along isn't the action but rather the result of another change that would fix so much of the misery.
Enter reality. How much easier would it be for all of us if people would simply mean what they say and follow through with action? How much misery could be prevented if all of us would quit spinning things and telling half-truths? How much better, and more secure, would we all feel if when someone looked at us and said, "This is what I want," we could believe that to be true?
I am no saint, to be sure, and I have made some monumental mistakes in my life. I have paid for those mistakes. I'm sure I'll continue to screw up on a regular basis. That said, one thing I count as a defining part of my personality is that what comes out of my mouth reflects what is, not what I think someone wants to hear, not what is convenient at the moment. I simply don't see the point of insincerity. If I say I will do something, then I will. If I say I want something, it's because I do. If I give you my friendship or my love, you can take that to the bank. It is.
And as I look at the misery around me, it's not rooted in conflict. Conflict is not bad. It's rooted in insincerity, in the words and actions of people who have made promises they had no intention of keeping, of people uttering tiny deceptions that snowball into a giant, nasty wad of lies.
Getting along? That will happen as soon as all of us can count on "yes, I will" or "no, I don't" meaning exactly that. Until then, we'll continue to feel baffled and betrayed when we find that "yes" turns out to mean "no" and that having any faith in the word of others seems to be a fool's errand.
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It's a worthy sentiment, to be sure. That said, I think that simply getting along isn't the action but rather the result of another change that would fix so much of the misery.
Enter reality. How much easier would it be for all of us if people would simply mean what they say and follow through with action? How much misery could be prevented if all of us would quit spinning things and telling half-truths? How much better, and more secure, would we all feel if when someone looked at us and said, "This is what I want," we could believe that to be true?
I am no saint, to be sure, and I have made some monumental mistakes in my life. I have paid for those mistakes. I'm sure I'll continue to screw up on a regular basis. That said, one thing I count as a defining part of my personality is that what comes out of my mouth reflects what is, not what I think someone wants to hear, not what is convenient at the moment. I simply don't see the point of insincerity. If I say I will do something, then I will. If I say I want something, it's because I do. If I give you my friendship or my love, you can take that to the bank. It is.
And as I look at the misery around me, it's not rooted in conflict. Conflict is not bad. It's rooted in insincerity, in the words and actions of people who have made promises they had no intention of keeping, of people uttering tiny deceptions that snowball into a giant, nasty wad of lies.
Getting along? That will happen as soon as all of us can count on "yes, I will" or "no, I don't" meaning exactly that. Until then, we'll continue to feel baffled and betrayed when we find that "yes" turns out to mean "no" and that having any faith in the word of others seems to be a fool's errand.
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Monday, February 02, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Back among the living
OK, momentary technical difficulties ... or something like that. Back up. Won't be going back down. Sorta like a Tom Petty song, or some such nonsense.
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Sunday, January 04, 2009
Looks pretty, feels ugly
This was the view of my town this evening as the sun set. While it looks gorgeous, I should note a few things:
The temperature down there is at least 40 degrees below zero.
The temperature down there has been that cold for a week and will be for at least another.
There is actually a town down there, not just a sea of fog.
While it is pretty up on the hillside, I do not live on the hillside. I live in the fog. It sucks in the fog. I think that, until I ventured out of town, I was starting to grow horns and grunt like a cave troll.
I'm just sayin'.
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Thursday, December 25, 2008
Finding center and strength
I have been blessed with a life in which those I love are always close. My parents are still married to each other. Throughout my childhood, they were both there at every special occasion. I was never that child who had to shuttle back and forth on the holidays or who felt alone as I looked out at a school play or dance performance or graduation. I have been surrounded by a large extended family. I have grown up surrounded by that mantle of security, knowing that, in this world, I am not alone.
I realized this year that I have never experienced a Christmas where someone was missing. When I was a child, I and my sister and my parents were always there. As a young adult, I went home for Christmas or spent it with extended family. When I was married and had children, we were always all together at Christmas. And even after my divorce, which was a long time coming, Christmases were complete, with my children always there along with, oftentimes, my parents. I have never known that hole in my heart when I look around at the holiday festivities and know that someone I love is not there ... until this year. It doesn't really matter why--circumstances or choices, deployment or delayed flights--that bring-you-to-your-knees, yawning emptiness that so many people feel every year was a new experience for me.
He assured me that we would all be together next year. He told me to focus on the kids, to find comfort in their joy. And I did that. I donned my Santa hat and listened to music and wrapped presents. I cleaned house like a mad woman. I took pictures of the mounds of paper and ribbon and a friend took pictures of me. I documented the whole thing on film so I can share it with him. I cried once, early on Christmas Eve, and refused to cry again. He wouldn't want me to be sad. I was proud of myself for holding it together. I thought that he would have been proud of me too. I had a good Christmas, despite his absence. I surrounded myself with my children and my parents and my sister's family and I found center and strength in that security that has been a baseline in my life since I drew my first breath. Without it, I'm not sure I would have been able to cope half as well.
So I sign off tonight on a day that was a first for me, that showed me that perhaps I am stronger than I thought. Tonight I feel thankful for the foundation that my family gives me. I feel thankful for strength he and I find in each other and ourselves. I feel hopeful that this will be the last year that either of us know anything other than the completeness of being with all of the people we love on Christmas.
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I realized this year that I have never experienced a Christmas where someone was missing. When I was a child, I and my sister and my parents were always there. As a young adult, I went home for Christmas or spent it with extended family. When I was married and had children, we were always all together at Christmas. And even after my divorce, which was a long time coming, Christmases were complete, with my children always there along with, oftentimes, my parents. I have never known that hole in my heart when I look around at the holiday festivities and know that someone I love is not there ... until this year. It doesn't really matter why--circumstances or choices, deployment or delayed flights--that bring-you-to-your-knees, yawning emptiness that so many people feel every year was a new experience for me.
He assured me that we would all be together next year. He told me to focus on the kids, to find comfort in their joy. And I did that. I donned my Santa hat and listened to music and wrapped presents. I cleaned house like a mad woman. I took pictures of the mounds of paper and ribbon and a friend took pictures of me. I documented the whole thing on film so I can share it with him. I cried once, early on Christmas Eve, and refused to cry again. He wouldn't want me to be sad. I was proud of myself for holding it together. I thought that he would have been proud of me too. I had a good Christmas, despite his absence. I surrounded myself with my children and my parents and my sister's family and I found center and strength in that security that has been a baseline in my life since I drew my first breath. Without it, I'm not sure I would have been able to cope half as well.
So I sign off tonight on a day that was a first for me, that showed me that perhaps I am stronger than I thought. Tonight I feel thankful for the foundation that my family gives me. I feel thankful for strength he and I find in each other and ourselves. I feel hopeful that this will be the last year that either of us know anything other than the completeness of being with all of the people we love on Christmas.
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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Damn, my kid rocks
My middle child, commenting on the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus phenomenon:
"Her father raised someone even more annoying than he is."
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"Her father raised someone even more annoying than he is."
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Saturday, December 20, 2008
Climbing the ladder
An acquaintance on Facebook wrote the other day about, among other things, how she is enduring her boyfriend's deployment to Iraq. She likened it to a ladder, with his departure being the bottom rung and his return the top. In between, each major event in her life--holidays, big work assignments, his leave--were another rung. And she noted that the best way to make it to the top was not to keep her eyes on the top of the ladder, but rather to focus simply on the next rung up.
I think her words show great wisdom and I hope to work harder to adopt that mentality in my own life. I always have believed that as long as I have a target in sight, a light at the end of the tunnel, that I can endure almost any hardship. I have always been confused and troubled when, even though I have that target, I continue to feel stress along the way, that having that focal point is still not enough to calm my anxiety, that the obvious progress brought by the simple passage of time does not reassure me.
I have been focusing on the top of the ladder. And at times in my life when the ladder is a tall one, that's often enough to make me dizzy and nearly fall off. I think, perhaps, that the wisest thing lies in finding the courage to take your eyes off that beautiful light, that shining reward at the end of the tunnel, or top of the ladder, pick your metaphor. If you can simply lower your eyes to the next task, the next hurdle, the next joyous occasion or the next milestone, then perhaps you might look up and realize the top of the ladder is right in front of you.
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I think her words show great wisdom and I hope to work harder to adopt that mentality in my own life. I always have believed that as long as I have a target in sight, a light at the end of the tunnel, that I can endure almost any hardship. I have always been confused and troubled when, even though I have that target, I continue to feel stress along the way, that having that focal point is still not enough to calm my anxiety, that the obvious progress brought by the simple passage of time does not reassure me.
I have been focusing on the top of the ladder. And at times in my life when the ladder is a tall one, that's often enough to make me dizzy and nearly fall off. I think, perhaps, that the wisest thing lies in finding the courage to take your eyes off that beautiful light, that shining reward at the end of the tunnel, or top of the ladder, pick your metaphor. If you can simply lower your eyes to the next task, the next hurdle, the next joyous occasion or the next milestone, then perhaps you might look up and realize the top of the ladder is right in front of you.
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Sunday, December 14, 2008
The herd has been culled
Overheard in regards to dating in your 30s:
"It's like going through the reduced-for-quick-sale meat bin and all that's left is cow tongue. It tastes OK if you can get past those funny little bumps on the surface."
Followed by: "I must be cow tongue too. I'm what's left. Dammit!"
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"It's like going through the reduced-for-quick-sale meat bin and all that's left is cow tongue. It tastes OK if you can get past those funny little bumps on the surface."
Followed by: "I must be cow tongue too. I'm what's left. Dammit!"
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Tuesday, December 09, 2008
It's my fault, I just know it
I didn't grow up in the ___________ (pick your religion) church. I didn't do it. I didn't cause it to happen. I didn't even wish it to happen. Why do I feel guilty about it, then? My mother is Catholic. Can guilt be carried in your DNA?
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Monday, December 08, 2008
1+1=357
I just don't understand how other people think, I guess. Today someone said something to me that was so far outside the realm of logical that I was nearly left speechless. I suppose it would be more accurate to say this person reacted to something I said in a such a way to paralyze my vocal abilities, actually. Let me grasp for an appropriate parallel to protect the innocent.
Say, for example, I have a favorite food, some exotic type of food that most people have never gotten the chance to try. I cook this fabulous food for you, because I want you to get a chance to try this food. I think you will like the food. You try the food. You like the food. The next time I talk to you, you tell me that you liked the food so much you got the ingredients and made some at home for yourself.
My response? Is it, "Great. I am glad you liked it so much." Nope. Instead, I am obviously bothered and say, "Wow, I am surprised that you would make it without me."
What the ...? I think I have stepped into a parallel universe where one plus one equals something ... else.
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Say, for example, I have a favorite food, some exotic type of food that most people have never gotten the chance to try. I cook this fabulous food for you, because I want you to get a chance to try this food. I think you will like the food. You try the food. You like the food. The next time I talk to you, you tell me that you liked the food so much you got the ingredients and made some at home for yourself.
My response? Is it, "Great. I am glad you liked it so much." Nope. Instead, I am obviously bothered and say, "Wow, I am surprised that you would make it without me."
What the ...? I think I have stepped into a parallel universe where one plus one equals something ... else.
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Saturday, December 06, 2008
The cure
Something about strapping a couple of sticks of fiberglass to my feet and heading into the woods for an hour does wonders for the psyche. Skiing as Prozac. Maybe so. This is the beginning of one of my favorite sections of trail. Bad cell phone picture. Maybe I'll shoot some nicer ones tomorrow. Today, the snow was fresh enough to make skiing almost noiseless and warm enough to make it nearly effortless. I know I'll never be able to live in the big city. Without the quiet of a day so still that the branches still hold more than an inch of fresh snow, I think I might simply blink out.
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Friday, December 05, 2008
A moment of clarity?
This from a teen I know, if I recall, as an explanation for some truly irritating behavior:
"I can't change the fact that I have my head up my ass most of the time."
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"I can't change the fact that I have my head up my ass most of the time."
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Past blast
I just went to a hockey game in an arena I haven't been in since high school. Talk about flashback. I remember countless Friday and Saturday nights spent meandering aimlessly around in circles with my friends. I don't recall much about the hockey games. It was much more an exercise in flirting with the herds of guys and finding out where the good parties were that night. Life was simpler then. I just didn't know it at the time.
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Tuesday, November 04, 2008
We're not gonna
I can't believe it. Stevens is leading. I don't know what to say. Does anyone else know whether another state has elected a recently convicted felon?
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