Mergers, diversification and other secrets of romance

I have a dear friend who would argue that relationships between two people--marriage, for instance--are more business deals than anything else. And we have delightful verbal tangos on the issue, with him telling me that I’m a sap (I am) and me telling him he often has the romantic inclinations of a fencepost (he does).

Now in many ways, this friend is correct. From a financial standpoint, a married couple will almost always have more potential for income than a single person. They live together in one house, pay one set of the expenses of living, and generally take advantage of that proven truth of business known as economy of scale. Though it isn’t in any written contract, many of the interactions of marriage resemble what one might see in a relationship between two businesses. If you cook dinner, I’ll do the dishes. If you work full time, I’ll work part time and take care of all of the household duties. It even enters into the most intimate parts of a relationship. Almost every couple who has been together for any length of time is familiar with bedroom bargaining.

So you have financial incentives, de facto contracts and heated bargaining. Sounds like business, no?

It does. But there’s one thing you throw into the equation and it taints the brew, so to speak, and calls into question the businesslike appearances of many relationships: love.

Go ahead, get all the eye-rolling and the “yep, she’s a sap,” stuff out of your system. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

OK, here’s my point:

In my opinion, love is solitary in nature and therefore independent of any business deal. You either love someone or you don’t. Love may grow or fade over time, but it either is or it isn’t. And it is not part of any reciprocal arrangement. There is no, “I’ll love you this much if you love me in return to an equal degree.” If you love someone, it really doesn’t matter whether they love you back or not. Their ability to do so has absolutely nothing to do with your own feelings. I think most people would agree that the statement, “I love you because you love me,” is loaded with all sorts of psychological dysfunction and is not something any of us would strive for. No, the best we can do is to say, “I love you regardless” and then hope for the best. That’s why loving relationships--whether they be a marriage or a friendship or a family--can be frightening at times. That’s why they are so rewarding when they work. That’s why their demise is so traumatic.

In the end, despite all of the wheeling and dealing, we are left only with the enormity of our unconditional love for another human being and the realization that we alone must deal with all that follows. You can’t hire out that task.

Bottom line: Business is dependent on reciprocity. The core of human relationships isn't.

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